i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
