I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
