you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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