Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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