i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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