I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
