i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I love you.
Bad choice
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