Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?