I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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