you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
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