well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
