Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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