Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
