if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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