do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
