at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
All I want is dick and wine.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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