Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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