i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
