my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
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But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
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Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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