how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
