found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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