I murdered the dance floor call the cops
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
