My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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