Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
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He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
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Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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