Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
