My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
