Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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