Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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