Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
