I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
