Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
