Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
