apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
