I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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