I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
