i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
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I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
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Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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