I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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