Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
