she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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