the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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