my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
