I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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