I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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