found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
