We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
