I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
