Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
