You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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