pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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