After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
