I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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