Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
