I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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