her vagine was all disorganized.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
