Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
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Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
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Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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