sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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