P.S. I can't hear my feet
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
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