Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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