don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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