I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My cat gives me a boner
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
