I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
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He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
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Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize